It's been almost a year since I blogged and honestly I haven't felt the need to write as much since I was in high school. I look back at how consistent I was in my blogging and I really like the person I used to be. I tell people all the time that the prime of my life was when I was in high school.
My life now consists of being exhausted 100% of the time. Even though it's summer, I still find myself teaching summer school, collaborating with my new team, and then being a full-time graduate student at night. I should probably mention that my classroom is a disaster and those plans I had for the perfect pirate classroom are slowly fading as the hours go on. You hear people all the time talking about how their life isn't going according to plan and I am among those people. I never imagined that I would be 25 years old, going into my 5th year teaching, a graduate student at BYU, single, and as exhausted as I am. I hope you know that I don't use the word exhausted lightly. I've lived enough years to know what true exhaustion is like and it's the current state of me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Graduate school has strained my brain and pushed me farther than I could have ever imagined and I don't understand how I'm supposed to fully function in other aspects of my life while taking the steps towards my masters. Little plug about my experience in my masters program so far- it's everything I need it to be.
At the end of last school year I felt defeated, deflated, and discouraged. It was a tough year with a lot of challenges inside the classroom but also emotionally inside my mind. I have spent a lot of time this summer trying to get out of the funk May left me in and truthfully, most days I'm still stuck there. Being a teacher is the job for me. I haven't doubted that one day since I started (expect for my occasional joking about being a secretary). I know that what I'm doing makes a difference and I love the relationship I get to build with tiny humans. Being a teacher is also really hard. At the end of May the wall I had built up was all broken down and I started to question a lot of things.
Luckily for me, my first semester at BYU as a graduate student started in May. The excitement of being in the classroom again as a student was thrilling. The ideas and discussions we had in that first class lit a fire under my butt and I finally started to heal, slightly. Being in classes all summer has been difficult, but it's also changed me in a lot of ways. I have studied hard. I have worked hard. I have talked myself through a lot of meltdowns (like the day I was 30 minutes late for class because I slept through my alarm at 4:00 in the afternoon).
Pushing the boundaries of myself personally has helped me gain some confidence back in how I feel about my teaching abilities. It's still something I struggle with daily and almost hourly, but I'm trying. When you're a teacher, August 1 hits you like a ton of bricks. It makes you realize all the things you still need to get done and it also is a reminder that in a few short weeks tiny humans will start relying on you for their education. HOLY SMOKES. I wish I had more time. I wish I wasn't so exhausted already. The battle rages on. My internal battle is full-force and the students will come no matter what.
To end the thoughts for the day I need to let you know a few things.
1. My life is exactly where it needs to be. My Heavenly Father is pushing me daily to be the best version of myself.
2. Although I'm exhausted, I still am functioning. I find a little time daily to do something for myself and that keeps me sane.
3. I miss my family, but Utah is where I need to be right now.
4. My pirate classroom will come together because classroom decorations always mean more to me than it does for the students. I can't wait to show you the final product.
5. I am happy.
My life now consists of being exhausted 100% of the time. Even though it's summer, I still find myself teaching summer school, collaborating with my new team, and then being a full-time graduate student at night. I should probably mention that my classroom is a disaster and those plans I had for the perfect pirate classroom are slowly fading as the hours go on. You hear people all the time talking about how their life isn't going according to plan and I am among those people. I never imagined that I would be 25 years old, going into my 5th year teaching, a graduate student at BYU, single, and as exhausted as I am. I hope you know that I don't use the word exhausted lightly. I've lived enough years to know what true exhaustion is like and it's the current state of me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Graduate school has strained my brain and pushed me farther than I could have ever imagined and I don't understand how I'm supposed to fully function in other aspects of my life while taking the steps towards my masters. Little plug about my experience in my masters program so far- it's everything I need it to be.
At the end of last school year I felt defeated, deflated, and discouraged. It was a tough year with a lot of challenges inside the classroom but also emotionally inside my mind. I have spent a lot of time this summer trying to get out of the funk May left me in and truthfully, most days I'm still stuck there. Being a teacher is the job for me. I haven't doubted that one day since I started (expect for my occasional joking about being a secretary). I know that what I'm doing makes a difference and I love the relationship I get to build with tiny humans. Being a teacher is also really hard. At the end of May the wall I had built up was all broken down and I started to question a lot of things.
Luckily for me, my first semester at BYU as a graduate student started in May. The excitement of being in the classroom again as a student was thrilling. The ideas and discussions we had in that first class lit a fire under my butt and I finally started to heal, slightly. Being in classes all summer has been difficult, but it's also changed me in a lot of ways. I have studied hard. I have worked hard. I have talked myself through a lot of meltdowns (like the day I was 30 minutes late for class because I slept through my alarm at 4:00 in the afternoon).
Pushing the boundaries of myself personally has helped me gain some confidence back in how I feel about my teaching abilities. It's still something I struggle with daily and almost hourly, but I'm trying. When you're a teacher, August 1 hits you like a ton of bricks. It makes you realize all the things you still need to get done and it also is a reminder that in a few short weeks tiny humans will start relying on you for their education. HOLY SMOKES. I wish I had more time. I wish I wasn't so exhausted already. The battle rages on. My internal battle is full-force and the students will come no matter what.
To end the thoughts for the day I need to let you know a few things.
1. My life is exactly where it needs to be. My Heavenly Father is pushing me daily to be the best version of myself.
2. Although I'm exhausted, I still am functioning. I find a little time daily to do something for myself and that keeps me sane.
3. I miss my family, but Utah is where I need to be right now.
4. My pirate classroom will come together because classroom decorations always mean more to me than it does for the students. I can't wait to show you the final product.
5. I am happy.
I always love reading your blog posts! You are doing amazing things and i want you to know how proud i am of you. keep it all up, i promise it will all be worth it!
ReplyDelete